Levels of Knowing
by Charlotte Donahue
Summary: How well do you know someone? And does that mean you understand them? James and Lily ponder this.   Short story.


How do you know how well you know a person?

And is knowing the same as understanding?

James Potter wanted to know.

In his experience, knowing could not be the same as understanding.

He knew that if the first Level of Knowing consisted of knowing her favourite colour, her birthday, and that she smelled of strawberries, he had completed this level.

He knew that if the second Level of Knowing was to know her favourite song and why it was her favourite, that she was allergic to potatoes (and bullshit), and that she loved spicy Indian curry because of a memorable holiday, he had completed this level.

He also knew that if the third Level of Knowing was to know that she was petrified of fish because of a traumatic childhood incident, she cried whenever she thought about home because of her sister, and that whenever her left eye twitched it was because she was holding back a smile (or because she was about to snap – he'd learned it could be either), he had completed this level.

And if the fourth Level of Knowing was seeing her at her most vulnerable, knowing her darkest secret, and knowing that she had a freckle on her bum – well then, he'd completed that level too.

He just didn't understand her.

He didn't understand why she kept saying no.

He didn't understand why she couldn't see that he had changed.

He didn't understand why her eyes said one thing while her mouth said another.

He didn't understand why she pretended.

He could pass all those Levels of Knowing, but he could not understand Lily Evans.

Lily Evans also knew things.

And she, too, lacked understanding.

She knew, for example, that he was the first one to wish her happy birthday every year, that he remembered her favourite colour because of a game they'd had to play as an icebreaker in first year, and that when he'd been the one to replace her strawberry shampoo with blue dye.

She also knew that she had been extremely embarrassed when he'd caught her dancing and singing to her favourite song like a maniac (reenacting the concert she'd been to with her dad), that the hives she broke out in as a result of him throwing mashed potatoes at her had terrified him, and that whilst sneaking into her room to booby trap the room as part of a dare, she'd lain awake watching him silently as he stared at the picture of her family in India, laughing and still, as one was in a muggle photo.

She knew that when she'd been thrown in the lake accidentally after a boisterous Quidditch match and he had been the one to pull her out after her panic attack, that she would have to explain to him her fear of fish. She knew that he always had this habit of walking in on her while she was thinking of Petunia and thus crying, and hated that he had seen the letters and figured out why. And she knew that he was puzzled by her same tell for laughter and annoyance, and it was one thing she could hold over his head.

And she knew that he had felt helpless as he'd watched her sob, not knowing how to comfort her or what words to say; she knew it was the first time he'd been speechless around her. She also knew that he had read her diary, and that had led him to her sobbing as he pondered what she knew and why she had done it. And she knew that the walking in on her changing had not been an accident, no matter how much he protested otherwise.

She knew he didn't understand her.

What she didn't understand was why she wanted to understand him so badly. Why she had this pull towards him.

She didn't understand why she kept saying no.

She didn't understand why she wouldn't admit he had changed.

She didn't understand why her mouth wouldn't speak for her heart.

She didn't understand why she pretended and why he let her.

So truly knowing someone? It meant little if you didn't understand them.

But once you understood why – well.

Then she would no longer fight the hands that were holding her.

And he would feel her by his side, ready to fight demons and capture joy with him.


End file.
